To all my readers, friends, and family,

How amazing it is—the way the grace of God works. He does not work or bring great testimony out of our strengths, for he gets no glory out of that. The flesh and the Spirit are against each other and when we boast of our strengths we are boasting in little more than our flesh.

I have loved being with so many people throughout these journeys over the last decade. Hundreds of people around the world have followed my endeavors and traveled by my side (even some literally) as I learn how to be a pilgrim making progress towards a Future Hope. It is amazing to me how many people intimately know my story as it has unraveled over the years and I receive countless pats on the back and emails from individuals who aspire to do what I have done and be like me. I’ve heard young and old tell me that they wish they could do the things I do. I have heard of pastors preaching about me though they’ve never met me. To experience the perils and dangers of the world first hand and to have my life threatened and be delivered and divinely protected, fellowshipping with brothers from people groups that most of the world fears, taking the gospel to the most unreached peoples, seeing so much divine providence in suffering. Even while at home I pressed in hard whether it was starting bible studies at work, prayer vigils at church, or discipling youth. So many have looked up to me as a spiritual leader and mentor, and I have seen many lives turned around through God’s use of me. Many people tell me to write a book to document my adventurous and prosperous life. Truly God has used me, and I’m thankful for that. Yet it remains that the entirety of this story is pointless unless people know the real me. It remains little more than a story of what I am and what you’re not, instead of a story of God’s handiwork that is provided freely to us all. And God’s handiwork in my life takes on an entirely different form than most people realize. The real me is a very weak, fragile man. Like the apostle Paul, I’ve had my own thorn in the flesh.

Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Corinthians 6:9-11

Truth is, whether we like it or not, the kingdom of God is made up of people who were sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, homosexuals, thieves, greedy, drunkards, revilers, and swindlers, and the list goes on. This is what makes us a testimony to the world and a living letter of God.

Over the last ten years I have been praying against the symptoms of this thorn in my own flesh, trying to understand them and trying to make the pains of it go away. Yet I never really got at the heart of it. Everywhere I would go in the world the peculiar sufferings seemed to follow me, and I greatly wondered that the Christian life could be so difficult—that God would be so hard on his followers. There was a constant weight that I didn’t know how to deal with much less see. It manifested in so many forms. Early on I would suddenly find myself in despair that lasted a couple months, as if everything under me fell away. Other times I would feel lost and confused. Some my hardest seeking of God was met with untold spiritual persecution from demonic spirits. One night in 2004 I was caught in a vision where I saw a dark slender figure come for me. He had complete control over my mind and body. He took my hand to lead me away into darkness. I could do nothing, neither pray, nor cry out, or even look away. There was only this spark of faith deep, deep down inside that kept him from taking me. Over time it began to get the best of me and I found myself less and less able to overcome my world no matter how much I quoted scripture or prayed and fasted. At last I was undone and finished. I gave up and started to wave the white flag. And that’s when it happened. Today I can boast of my weakness knowing now that Christ’s power fully rests on me—a power that has at last set me free. Now people can get a real testimony out of my life—one that they can relate with as my fellow fallen humans.

God was at work on this for a long time. Though I never recognized it, he did. Ten years ago I received prophetic words for my life. I was seen as one who was digging and digging but feeling like I was going nowhere. I was told not to fear because He was going to take me to the other side. It was spoken that He has always known and that I must not lose heart because He has been preparing me and would surely bring things to pass. I was given a verse from Hebrews 4:16. Grace to help in time of need. By 2005 the internal struggle amplified when I began learning to love those whom I had so mistrusted for so long. The two feelings simply do not go together, in no way, shape, or form. A vision came to me in the middle of the year of an airplane that was grounded and stuck in a rut. It could not take off even though the engine was at full throttle. It was trying hard but didn’t budge. Then there were a few men including me to push and push hard until the plane suddenly burst out and was able to fly off. At the time I had no idea that it was a vision for me—that this was my own airplane. My journal began to fill with images of pain and suffering. I sometimes drew what I felt. One drawing was of me on my knees in a prison facing the wall with my back to the barred window and the light that shone through it. My hands were tied behind my back and my head was dropped. All over the walls of the prison were words that described my pains and difficulties that seemed to get the best of me. Another picture shows me unconscious and half dead but being held up by Jesus. In another place I drew my hand in a fist  just below a hanging key that was out of reach. In yet another place I drew a large mountain that showed me trying to hike to the top by way of several different trails, but being stopped and forced to turn around due to adverse conditions. At the top of the mountain I drew the symbol of a crown. This was actually a real life metaphor that was happening at the time. Eventually I dropped the journal keeping altogether. It was just too depressing. Evangelistic zeal began to taper off and I was growing weak inside. I tried to just cope and let things ride out. God is always in control, so I just needed to keep my hands from being idle and wait things out. I kept going to church, reading, the bible and praying, but it wasn’t feeling like it used to. Some churches ignored me if I cried out. “Ah, settle down rebellious kid, you.” Others just didn’t know what to do with me, even though I had laid my entire life out to them. I talked to countless brothers and other men of God about various details of my life and even joined a mens group. But the reality of my heart escaped them. Many people close to me held me up in prayer, but even they were baffled.  I never knew what was going on with me either. One brother would give me the same bible verse repeatedly over the  last few years: “Do not fear man.” But I couldn’t make sense of it, and neither could he. He just felt compelled to keep giving it to me. My perseverance was really put to the test. That was one doctrinal truth that kept me lugging along—kept me digging. Ministry kept happening but was less frequent. I loved serving God. But the weight had taken its toll on me and finally in the last month I felt I could do nothing but declare defeat. You got me God. I’m done and can’t do anything anymore. To be undone is very likely the worst feeling in the world. Your wicked entrails are literally sprawled before you, and its dark. You feel disgusted and completely bankrupt. Not only that, the enemy likes to take advantage of these situations making you feel sicker. My sleep was terrible and stomach always churning. Even if I took sleeping pills I would awake very early and could not go back to sleep. It was difficult to focus on my driving at work, and very nearly took out a car that drove right in front of me. Was God ever going to do anything?

My greatest weakness in life has been a lie rooted very deep in my heart. It was a belief that I could not trust people and especially not the opposite sex. It was a spirit of fear and distrust which owned me my whole life and affected everything. It is not the most comely thing for a man to boast of being a weakling with girls, but hey, this is about Christ here and not me.

When I was six years old my mother divorced my father. My father did everything in his power to save the marriage. He sought answers from the Bible and from God, but to no avail. He was devastated and never brought himself to remarry. A family is meant to be the one institution that cultivates trust and love in children for one another as human beings made in the image of God. It’s the first family you experience even before the family of God. When that trust I had was completely broken,  I essentially died to the world around me. At that point in my life I closed my heart and took on a fear of people and a deep distrust for females. Drawing close to them relationally was to be avoided. Trust for anyone was difficult and so I had only a few friends growing up.  This deceptive seed was planted deep inside and kept me isolated for most of my life. The problems were somewhat manageable however—just avoid getting to close to people and avoid girls. Even when I offered my life to God ten years ago it was no problem. Serving God was easy. When I learned about giving up my rights to his Lordship for things like marriage it was as easy as giving up something you didn’t want anyway. Yet I could not serve God for long before the hardness of my heart became a target for His handiwork. God doesn’t let us be enslaved to anything. My feelings were bound and gagged most of the time and my self-confidence floundering all the time. I could not feel what other people felt. I could not enjoy authentic connection with them. God immediately began to teach me about forgiveness which was to pave a long road ahead of me in this struggle. Sure, I could go to China and be used to bring the gospel of the Kingdom to the most unreached people group out there, but I was crippled by an incapacity to authentically love them. I led teams in outreach in Africa, but I failed to meet the needs of our group because of insensitivity. I accomplished a lot of grand adventures but I always felt like an inferior human. I had something that a lot of people didn’t—the Gospel. But I also found that a lot of people had something I didn’t—trust, love, and confidence in one another. My adventures then became a two way mission field. Most of the time however I felt I was gaining more than I was giving. Many cultures of the world are so tight in the family system that I was forced to think about what I never had. All the while I never new really why I was tripping up all the time.  My prayers were merely addressing the symptoms. So God got at my heart and began pushing me out of the nest as it were, and over the years He has taken me on different adventures in starting relationships with sisters and going deeper in my relationships with brothers. Before I knew what was happening I was confronting this 25-year old thorn in my side. And it brought on a fierce battle that I didn’t feel like I was winning. I found myself repeatedly caught in a tension of desire and fear and mistrust, especially toward females. Fear hinders love but perfect love casts out all fear. O the beauty of Trust. And how essential it is. How could we ever live full lives if we cannot trust, and trust our Heavenly Father especially? That’s where any of this becomes possible. It is only because I trust Him that I could have ever been able to confront such a wound. His perfect love casts out all my fear and frees me to genuinely love others.

March 4th, 2010

Coming to the realization that I have been bearing this weight, this cancer, for 25 years of my life was not easy. After a quarter of a century you learn to love that weight. It becomes a huge part of you after you grow up with it for so long. But you cannot love both God and that weight.

The answer was impressed upon me clearly as day after a lot of prayer and spiritual suffering. I gave up. There was no where to go. I was defeated. But I found myself sprawled out and praying with barely an ounce of faith over my newly discovered thorn that I’ve suffered from for so long and never understood. I had no idea how I was ever going to be able to cope with this.  And then before I knew what was happening, I heard him speak to me as clear as he probably did to Paul out of 2 Corinthians 12:9, “My power is made perfect in weakness.” It came as I waited in prayer with a rare clarity. I knew I had heard him speak.  Shortly thereafter I was opening my bible software to look the verse up. When I did, the day’s devotional for March 4th popped up on my screen: Charles Spurgeon’s Morning and Evening devotions. It was on that same exact verse. “My grace is sufficient”. It stared at me. And I stared back. All of a sudden things began to happen. I found myself praying and repeating the verse. “His power is made perfect in weakness”, “I will boast of my weaknesses.” I realized I needed to do just that. So I did. I began to confess and boast of my weakness to the glory of God. I started to blog about it for the world to know regardless of what anybody would think. And before I knew it something inexplicable happened in my heart. My mind was racing with thoughts and prayers were pouring out of my mouth. All of a sudden I felt a weight being lifted upward and off my heart like a vanishing magic trick had just been performed.  My thoughts quickly halted and I looked around. It felt as though I would float away feeling about a million pounds lighter. Things were gone. Feelings were gone. Something changed in me. Wasn’t I just depressed and defeated a minute ago? Where did it go? I could not comprehend what was happening. There was a shock and awe that continued from then on. I never felt anything like this before. Something that had been apart of me for 25 years was suddenly missing (and O how good it felt!). In my mind I had an image of me just walking out of prison after a quarter century when I didn’t even know I was really in one, and I stood there with no idea what to do now that I am free. What a word, free. The truth does set you free. My personal visions were true. Everything was true. Suddenly everything fell into place right before my eyes. My life began flashing before my eyes. The last five years made sense; the last 10 years made sense; my life made sense. The initial shock brought a cycle of tears and swear words that lasted for some time. It seemed too unbelievable to believe. Later in the day while I was at work, I experienced something else I never have. The joy of children. I have always liked kids, but I had personally missed out on what it’s really like to be a kid—a whole kid with all the kid feelings, full of joy. Suddenly the joy of the kids riding in the back of my bus was my own joy, I could feel their joy and partake in it…it felt so good to be like one of them, and I just wanted to talk with them about everything.. Like a kid. So much work for so long, and in one instance, there was freedom. I’ve heard of these stories, but never thought such a story would end up being my own. Everything changed. My interactions with people changed. I went to bed that night and slept a sleep that was amazing. There was a new joy in me. It was still there in the morning. The thorn was replaced with a pure joy that I had never known before. I have been saved for so long, but now I know what it means to be made new. You really feel that. I wondered what if things come back? But I was assured by the Holy Spirit that the old has passed, forever. It will never return!

All I can say is, though I was blind for most of my life, I now see. God’s grace is sufficient. For all those who have never heard or known, the truth does set you free. You must bring your worst before God, and then confess the truth. Confess the truth about him and about yourself. Anything less will not do!

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream. Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy! He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
Psalm 126

Church itself originally began as such a community. It was formed as a kingdom among kingdoms. A place meant to be a refuge and beacon of light to all the lost in the Dark World. The New Testament consistently and effectively emphasized the need for its members to work together, to love one another, and to support one another. It was a community of sojourners and pilgrims bonding together as one family that they might be strong and mighty in the midst of a Dark World. It was commanded to do good to all, but especially to those of the Household of Faith.  People came to seek salvation, healing, and protection because it was the only hope of survival for the meek, the lowly, the oppressed, and the downtrodden. It exuded a strength that could not ever be defeated though many of the Dark World tried to overcome it. Jesus had told that this was how it would be. He never promised the gates of hell would not touch it. He simply promised that they would never prevail against it. As a new and scattered community in the Dark World it was easy to bind together and strengthen one another to form a family that could resist and overcome the Dark World. And to help the Church out, God sent his greatest Gift to make it possible. The Church was a place of survival.

The Lure of Greatness
Going back to the beginning of the Holy Book we see a reminder of our worst enemy: our pride. It was how our first parents became slaves to the Dark World themselves. The tactic was clear and simple. Lure them with greatness, and the prospect of being glorious, like God even. What’s wrong with wanting to be great after all? What’s wrong with wanting to feel the glories of Success? Surely it is harmless. Go ahead, try it. You’ll like it. You’ll feel good. You deserve to feel good. Why, can’t you see? You’ll be letting others and God down if you don’t make the most of Yourself and reach your highest potential. You are supposed to be successful and awesome like God. You were after all created in His Image, weren’t you? And so has the disease plagued us ever since. All of us. Mankind has consistently been lured by Success.
Yet, for the most part, Success didn’t find a place to call home in too many communities or kingdoms of the world. The Dark World was a difficult place to live for everyone. In fact, it was the lure of Success that destroyed it and made it difficult to live in in the first place. Technology, medicine, education, and wealth hardly existed, except for a very few elite persons. War was always immanent. Kingdoms subduing kingdoms and land being taken and retaken. The way of life was a way of survival and the tribe, clan, family, and kingdom communities were the only hope. It was never a sure hope, but it was, for most of humankind, the only hope. And so the drive was to fortify the family, the clan, or the tribe, and to strengthen and support your kingdom because, even if there were things you didn’t like about it, it protected you as you sought to live in a Dark World. Protection and security was highly valued. Like any nuclear family, you would never split because of differences in interests or disagreements. You needed each other for the sake of survival as individuals in a Dark World.  So Success had few occasions to do much damage on a wide scale.

Postmodern Society
With the arrival of a new kind of society in just the last hundred years everything changed. We began to believe our worst as humans. Somehow the Dark World became the Good World. We began to believe that we had the power to change it so. We discovered Technology, Medicine, Education, and Opportunity. We were led to believe that with these we could solve the problems of the world. It wasn’t a Dark World anyway—it was a Good World that just needs some fixing. No longer did we have to worry about survival. It was time to think about Success. Much of the world however remains in survival mode, yet for the Postmodern Society this is not a problem. With a little bit of work and a little bit of time they will be enlightened themselves and they will understand.

The Postmodern Society then has brought an entirely new era to humankind–the way of life being built on the promise of Success and Greatness. There is no need for survival because all things and people are good. Tabula rasa. There is no evil here. Evil is something that can’t be corrected without God. So if you take evil out of the equation all that really remains is a lack of Technology, Medicine, Education, and Opportunity—and humans can fix these. We don’t need God. Subsequently, the opportunity for all of us as individuals to be Great has far exceeded the opportunity to humans in any other age. Meaning and significance in family, tribe, clan, or kingdom became outdated and obsolete. They are unnecessary for Success and Greatness and in fact are liable to hold you back from it. The Postmodern Society speaks to its children with a lure so powerful and a promise so great that Adam and Eve themselves would probably turn over in their graves if they saw it. It tells its children that not only is it possible for you as an individual to be Great, but it is your destiny to be Great. Hope was quickly dislodged from being firmly established in a family and was transplanted in self: I am the means to my own salvation, survival, and success. The first act of disobedience by our parents finally found a place for real revival but this time forget about taking a single apple from the tree and eating it—we’re gonna grow a whole damn orchard of apple trees, harvest them, and sell them for profit!

In addition, the daughters of Eve were to find themselves in a position that none of their mothers ever knew. Women everywhere have found the lure afforded to them just as much as to the men of the Postmodern Society. They could make their own way to Greatness and Success. No longer did women need men or men need women for survival. There was no Dark World and there was no need for survival. Brothers didn’t need each other. Sisters didn’t need each other. In the Postmodern Society, Success is the name of the Game and those things tend to get in the way anyway. There may be perhaps occasion to need them, but it is in a twisted way as to be expedient to the Success of the individual and not survival. The question is no longer Will they protect me? but  rather, Will they make me Great and Successful? So women and men leave each other in droves lured and enticed away by the illusion of Success. Child bearing turned into a commodity to be  bought only if you felt it made you feel Greater. Sex was made available to all as pacifier to escape the reality of the Dark World and turned it into a meritorious achievement to earn status among men. You were not as Successful and Great as those who had more of it than you.

The Breakdown
Suffice it to say, a reality has begun to emerge that is showing our repeated, fatal flaw of eating the Apple. More people here live alone than at any other time in history. Children have been killed, destroyed, and orphaned in the name of Success. We didn’t realize what all the divorce would really do to children. We figured for sometime they would be fine. After all, you didn’t need the family for survival anyway. We didn’t realize that sex apart from marriage would leave us feeling trashed, empty, diseased with many physical illnesses, and left with the very thing that we considered a hindrance to our Success and Greatness and in fact now makes even survival extremely difficult: fatherless and motherless children. We didn’t realize these children would end up committing mass murders in their schools, homicides on the streets, and suicides in their lonely houses—before they ever even grew up.

The Church, in its strong tendency to prostitute itself with the world—yes even the Dark World—was definitely not immune to the lure of Success and became itself a means to Success and Greatness for many. More churches have died and are dying than we probably realize because of this. Some die because they are not Great or Successful, so people abandon them and leave them for dead in pursuit of Greatness. Other churches die because we try to build them and make them in the name of Greatness and Success and we know that such churches can never last very long before we find ourselves disillusioned with what we thought was going to be…Great. Or we find ourselves numbed to the reality of the Dark World, entranced by the feeling of Success, and losing sight of the light of the Word of God which tells us we are sojourners and pilgrims in a Dark World which happens to be an enemy of God.

The Hope
God had destined a Family for his own possession–a Family of Hope and Salvation through the blood of his own dear family member—his Son. We as a his people have lost sight of the purpose of Church, the purpose of the family, and consequently our strength as a community to withstand the gates of hell. Being and meeting together as a Church, doing Church, leading Church should never been a means to Greatness or Success. It was intended to be a refuge in the darkness. A place where we could survive, but also thrive in the Dark World (a.k.a. survival abundantly). He who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. If we have the right objectives in mind, we are a light that the darkness cannot comprehend. But as long as we give ourselves to the lure of Success, our churches, and our children, will suffer.  We must learn to come together to find strength and healing, not to find Greatness. Church is not a commodity or anyone’s accomplishment. It will not work to lead Church, plant churches, start ministries, or open organizations with the idea of achievement and success in mind just as we cannot lead and build families with the idea of success in mind. It simply does not work—it never has, and only leaves things in ruin. We have to come back to the reality that the Way of Life is about endurance and perseverance, and not accomplishment or success. Endurance and perseverance is only possible with each other—we cannot make it alone.  The sin of this lure is great, and we are all giving into it.

Out of the darkness came one enemy in the form of a vicious and evil looking tiger
It was not just an animal but a spirit of darkness
Some of us fought against it and felt as though we subdued it when its innards where disemboweled and it was squirming yet something wasn’t right
The creature, as it lay before us in the night lit up with a glowing light and though it was writhing it was not dying
As it struggled it began to change and all we could do was stand there and watch
I watched in awe and with no idea what was happening yet no thought crossed my mind of running or leaving
Finally the creature morphed and transformed into a great spiritual demon that literally engulfed the sky and brought fear to many people
there were so many colors and lights and supernatural magic that filled the sky that the scene ceased to represent anything of reality, or at least of reality as I had known it
But while this was happening another significant thing was happening at the same time…
I found myself being built up in faith and being transformed also. It was a faith that was increasing in me yet not from me. It held me up, and continued to lift me higher and higher
Until I myself was transformed into a spiritual power that began fill the sky as well–to meet the creature on his own terms. A battle of the heavenlies begun and I was in it.
Magic was everywhere and I could see the demon changing and gnarling and casting out its flames of fury and throwing it winds of hell all around me as if it was trying to prove itself to me. It put on a mighty show yet never touched me.
With every escalating show of power I was somehow able to return an even more powerful display of force.
The very grounds of creation and nature were changed and controlled by this beast yet I could do more than it could. I was more powerful. It would uproot trees, but I could uproot forests. It would send forth winds that looked like fire, but I could send forth greater winds that would wrap his own and drown them out. It was a test of magic powers to see who had the greatest. The battle was not about the magic or the power however. His prerogative was clear.
He wanted to cast fear over my being and make me cower and flee, yet I would not. Every attempt of his was in vain. He would surround me and flash his wrath but I somehow would return the favor with a flash of glory that was not from me. I was lifted up and held up and given more power than I understood. It was more than I ever knew I was capable of. I proved to this demon that I could not and would not be overpowered. The battle was great yet no harm had befallen me or the people, and I was not afraid. So it was that the demon was defeated and left me. It was a confrontation of epic proportions yet little more than a show. As fierce as he made himself to look, he could do nothing and did nothing to us.
And so the dream ended.

I often wonder about where lukewarmness in the Church comes from or how it becomes so. It may as well be for a multitude of reasons, but this is how I feel about a lukewarm church. You can keep it, I don’t want it. Thankfully, I am not obligated to want it either. What a relief! I do however have this burning hunger for a nice steaming church or even a ice cold one–I can work with that. The question comes to mind in light of all this that how can we desire church like the Bible teaches us to if it’s lukewarm? This problem can’t be solved with a cliche “you’re no better than the hypocrites or lukewarm Christians, so accept it and enjoy it” remark. Its simply not that easy. Every one of us no matter how short we have fallen before are called to do righteous works, stand for truth, and call one another out on sin.

To note, and for further meditation:

“Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” Eph 5:25

“the church in Laodicea…because you are lukewarm…I will vomit(ἐμέω) you out of my mouth.” Rev 3:16

Church, I love you, but you make me feel sick.

To boot…after doing ministry in now every part of the world—with exception to South America—I have come to the conclusion that this lukewarmness is not an exclusive American phenomenon nor is it limited to the West. The problem can be found everywhere around the globe. From the looks of it and from the hints in the Revelation 3:16 passage it would appear that the deception of riches is our enemy in this battle.

“You say you are rich, but I say you are poor. Let me tell you how to be rich…” v.17-18

Lord Jesus Christ give us salve and clothe our nakedness, we have lost our way and bought into consumerism and materialism. Purify your bride now so that we could be presented to you spotless and clean. Forgive us for neglecting and robbing the poor and destitute! Overlook our selfishness and be merciful to us for your mercies sake…

“So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit. For this reason I, Paul, a prisoner for Christ Jesus on behalf of you Gentiles– assuming that you have heard of the stewardship of God’s grace that was given to me for you, how the mystery was made known to me by revelation, as I have written briefly. When you read this, you can perceive my insight into the mystery of Christ, which was not made known to the sons of men in other generations as it has now been revealed to his holy apostles and prophets by the Spirit.” (Eph 2:19-3:5)

Many have proposed that the “apostles and prophets” in Ephesians 2:20 refer to the Scriptures written by the Apostles and the Old Testament prophets. However, only seven verses later we have a solid indication of what was really on Paul’s mind in writing this passage. He refers to his own time saying “now” after God sent his Holy Spirit to us and not “the sons of men in other generations”. The “prophets” of 3:5 are clearly not Old Testament prophets. Commentators have long been divided on this verse likely because the implications are quite large even though the context is obvious. In Ephesians 4:11 just a little further on in Paul’s same frame of mind, we learn that God gives to the Church the “apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, shepherds and teachers to equip the saints.” There is also an order of necessity to these gifts for the Church: “first apostles, second prophets…” (1 Cor. 12:28).

The importance of understanding the meaning here is great, because it is the foundation of our churches. It cannot be taken for granted! If we don’t get it right, the whole structure is at risk. From the earliest times the overseer, otherwise known as a “bishop”, was the person who watched over the Christians in a given city or region. Its roots are found in the Apostle Paul’s instructions to Timothy.[1] This practice lasted in one form or another through the middle ages until the Protestant reformation. Eventually corruption had set in, and politics began to rule the clergy within the Catholic Church. The Protestant movement, disillusioned with the priestly office, decided to change it to a pastoral office and reformation figures such as John Calvin and Huldrych Zwingli are known to have propagated this. To this day the contemporary, mainline evangelical church has put the pastor in charge, yet it has resulted in one of the most stressful, fatiguing, and upsetting vocations. What is perhaps not surprising is the rise in pastors leaving the profession—perhaps more so than people leaving any other profession.[2] We need to return to biblical Christianity. The foundation of the Church is laid by apostles and prophets. While the implications may be many, it means no less than a visionary and prophetic foundation that is looking further, much further than itself. A church without such a foundation is a near-sighted church that cannot see past its own interests. The pastor gets burned out and the church croaks like Sardis (Rev. 3:1) because “where there is no prophetic vision, the people cast off restraint” (Prov. 29:18) and become loose, absolved, naked, and faithless.

The foundation is not laid by those with management gifts, administration gifts, evangelistic gifts, or teaching gifts, etc. It is laid by those with prophetic gifts. This shows us the importance, and our dire need, of the Holy Spirit without whom we cannot sustain a proper and holy vision, much less a living church. We use the letter of God’s word for correction, reproof, and training, but we build and serve in a new way—by the Holy Spirit!

But now we are released from the law, having died to that which held us captive, so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit and not in the old way of the written code. (Romans 7:6)

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. (Ephesians 4:11-14)

You have not had to approach things which your senses could experience as they did in the old days – flaming fire, black darkness, rushing wind and out of it a trumpet-blast, a voice speaking human words. So terrible was that voice that those who heard it begged and prayed that it might stop speaking, for what it had already commanded was more than they could bear - ’And if so much as a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned or thrust through with an arrow’. So fearful was the spectacle that Moses cried out, ’I am exceedingly afraid and trembling’.

No, you have been allowed to approach the true Mount Zion, the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have drawn near to the countless angelic army, the great assembly of Heaven and the Church of the first-born whose names are written above. You have drawn near to God, the judge of all, to the souls of good men made perfect, and to Jesus, mediator of a new agreement, to the cleansing of blood which tells a better story than the age-old sacrifice of Abel.

So be sure you do not refuse to hear the voice of God! For if they who refused to hear those who spoke to them on earth did not escape, how little chance of escape is there for us if we refuse to hear the one who speaks from Heaven. Then his voice shook the earth, but now he promises:’Yet once more I shake not only the earth, but also heaven’.

This means that in this final “shaking” all that is impermanent will be removed, that is, everything that is merely “made”, and only the unshakeable things will remain. Since then we have been given a kingdom that is “unshakeable”, let us serve God with thankfulness in the ways which please him, but always with reverence and holy fear. For it is perfectly true that our ’God is a burning fire’. Hebrews 12:18-29

In a day when Christians are dividing themselves off from one another needlessly over whether we need to be “liberal” or “conservative” followers I would like to proclaim this: Christianity is neither liberal nor conservative. It is eternal.

There are so many dualisms in the bible to explain life: sin and righteousness, good and evil, holy and unholy, alive and dead, etc. Even the Church itself is a “dualism”. The bible likens it to a building and a foundation. When we think about the building and growth of God’s church we normally think in terms of one universal way, and many spend so much precious time and energy trying to find that one way. When Jesus spoke of the Way he assuredly proclaimed that there was only one way to righteousness and reconciliation with God, and that it was through him alone. This is our foundation.

When it comes to building the Church upon this foundation however, we find that there is no one universal way and that there has never been one universal way. Jesus taught, more or less, that it would be like building a house on a firm foundation or a solid rock.

Looking through history since Jesus spoke those words, we see that this solid rock has indeed remained throughout the ages of the Church and has never changed. It continues in presence no matter what. If it didn’t, all of us today would be hopeless. We can also observe another intriguing fact: the “houses” built upon this solid rock have constantly…changed. There have been house congregations, basillicas, convents, monastaries, cathedrals, etc. Today we have garage and pub congregations, missional communities, parachurch organizations, world conferences, and missions organizations. They are all radically different in form, yet have one thing in common: they are built on that same unchanging, eternal, solid rock.  At the same time Church history is fraught with corruption and there are plenty of examples of all these same forms built on sand. This goes to show that unless we recognize the “dualism” of Church and look deeper to the foundations we will not be able to tell which ones are the good trees, the abiding houses, the strong refuges. In an age where liberalism is coming to mean that there should be nothing solid and where conservativism is coming to mean that nothing should change, we need to be on guard to know that the way of Jesus transcends these. There’s no limit to what our houses can look like, but whatever color, shape, or form they may be, they must always be built on the eternal, unchanging solid rock of God’s message to us for the time is coming when every work and every word will be tested for its foundational strength.

Come get your love on and get hyped on and then chewed on!

Who cares? says the prophet, There’s blood in the sink and broken glass and you missed it, don’t try to find it, it will find you

The train is passing and the wind is catching, people peer from its lonely boxes.

Over and over the tape rewinds in your head, your pride is fake and your fake is pride, but I know you like an eagle knows its prey

I may play to be damned but i’ll be damned if I play, every step is  my best friend

Your time is here but your heart is fear, why don’t you stay awhile my dear? Let’s have a tope of love, and forget the world

Didn’t I say not to turn back? Who will save you?

I say that you should know and I say that you should go

Don’t lie to yourself or you’ll fall behind my friend

We know that Jesus taught and led followers. But did he ever plant a church during his time on earth?
In Luke 22 and Matthew 26 we read an account where Jesus

1. organized a meeting in a guest room of a friends house
2. called twelve of his followers to gather with him
3. had the room furnished and prepared
4. ate and drank and prayed together
5. gave memorial to Christ’s death
6. sang together

All this was centered on the Passover lamb, which represented Christ. I think what we see, in effect, is Jesus setting the simplest of models for the church, and how the centrality of church was–quite simply–Jesus himself.

The apostles continued in this vein by organizing devoted gatherings where they taught, fellowshipped, broke bread, and prayed just as as they had done themselves with Jesus. (Acts 2:42)

Today, that centrality of Jesus seems to have vanished or given way to too many other things. The catholic church had the right idea by keeping the Lord’s supper central though much was corrupt and institutionalized. Later the reformers would turn things around and make the pulpit the center of church.
I only hope and pray that today we might reform the Church to centralize on Jesus again, because, after all, he did it that way himself in the beginning.

Planting a missional gospel community is  a simple thing, truly. Engaging the neighbors and people you know in your own home for the sake of the gospel is so easy, that nearly anyone can start one. It has been good to see the organic side of Church and to have hope in a lasting vision that involves an organic and living church. I know I’m tired of dealing with dead churches and am more than ready for a new thing. Portland is ready for a new thing.

However there seems to be a lot more at work that is unseen than what is seen, and because of that, taking this direction in life to become a church planter has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I have met more opposition than I ever have with any other pursuit. Encouragement in this direction is almost non-existent. I think most people have very little faith in church planting anymore. You are thought to be perhaps either selfish, greedy, shady, or otherwise off in some way. There is also a constant stream of lies spoken to my soul intended only to make me doubt, fear, worry, or feel ashamed.  A lot of times they work–and I doubt, fear, worry, and feel ashamed about doing ministry. Then there is my self. My self doesn’t even want to do it. It’s the last thing I would have chosen to do as far as my life interests are concerned. I didn’t appeal to me. The responsibility is beyond me. There’s a hella amount of contempt out there for ministers and they don’t make any money, unless of course you’re one of those contemptible ministers. They have to sacrifice more time than the average Joe or Jane to be there for them even though Joe or Jane are only occasionally there for him, or sometimes not there at all.

All the while one small still voice keeps the reign, and its tight. Obedience is the last unbreakable bond between learning to be a minister and losing it to the dogs. I would have given it up many times but that bond just can’t be broken. Perhaps it is so that God has a destiny for certain people and if they don’t like it at first, they will learn that it is actually the best thing. Nine years ago I received that call and despised it. I didn’t want to nor feel it was right. It was definitely not in me. In fact, it was an old man who had prayed over me and spoken those words to me. Pastor. But I said in my heart, “bull crap”. I could never forget what he said though. God wouldn’t let me. I couldn’t run from it either–it followed me everywhere I went in the world. Destiny seems to follow you and press you until you learn to obey.

Nine years later, I am still battling and struggling through to break free from all of these rooted oppositions. I still have a measure of desire to not do ministry. There are still thoughts that ministry is weird and is for weird people, though I know it is not true. There are still accusations from the enemy that I am too sinful or weak to do it. There are still many, many doubts. But I press on somehow, like a miracle. It shouldn’t be, yet it is. I am not yet a true minister, but a minister in the making. I’m still hoping it turns out for the good…that it’ll be worth it, even though I know it will be worth it. It’s like bootcamp for the soldier–for now I need to focus on doing my duty and deal with the dirty work.  Weeping may linger for the night, but in the morning–joy. (Psalm 30:5)

The spirit and the flesh oppose one another so sharply on this point, and I pray for the diligence Peter talked about to “make my calling and election sure”. (2 Peter 1:10)